he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
