It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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