my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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