I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
