y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
