Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
