Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Your dad touched me again.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
