This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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