I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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