I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
