i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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