we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
we should paint friendship bongs
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
