Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
