i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
