before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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