I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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