I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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