He uses pillows to masturbate.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
