remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
