Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
