that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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