I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
