My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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