My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
