put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He shit in the fireplace
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
