My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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