That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
