just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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