Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
