I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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