I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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