He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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