Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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