Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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