I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Randomize
