oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
