More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Come back. Shots need mouths.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
