her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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