thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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