Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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