nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
