What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
