Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
