I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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