I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize