just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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