WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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