I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
