At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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