I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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