yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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