if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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