girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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