im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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