Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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